a long time ago, i found an object buried in a parking lot, what looked like a small flashlight, kept it in my back storage room in case i ever needed it, never turned it on
a while later, hard to tell how longs it been, i had a blackout in the middle of the night, completely sleep deprived, it was like, 2 am i think? and i had school tommorow. so i grabbed a random flashlight and, well, a genie appeared
and, i know it sounds dumb, obviously don't trust a genie right? well that's what i thought too, i thought that if i could simply make a very long and complicated wish, the genie wouldn't be able to twist it. I KNOW IT SOUNDS DUMB. I just woke up i was sleep deprived, the genie gave me 3 minutes to make a decision. I would've done something different if i had time to think, if it wasn't in the middle of the night during a blackout (i kinda have a fear of blackouts too so my heart was seriously pumping)
so anyway, the complicated wish i come up with is, "everytime i open the app discord on any pc or this specific model of phone that i am holding right now being held backwards while brushing my teeth and i navigate to any server that i have spent more than 10 hours in but less than 60,000 hours in and i read the text out loud in my head but not out loud verbally but also i have to read it in a weird accent and the text contains the name of the currently most popular minecraft youtuber I will enter a state of frozen time, unaging where i am immortal until i choose not to be and enact the change by saying "ploopy suck my poopy" 3 times in a row at which point i will return to the point in time where i was originally with everything i want to stay intact intact"
I thought he couldn't twist that one because it was too complicated. and he didn't. He wasn't even a mean genie he told me so after the fact. but i was so sleepy i slurred my words, and i enunciated "unaging" as "enraging", so now i have everything i want, except whenever time is frozen, all i can think of is writing mean things about dream minecraft. i know. it sucks.
2021/10/22
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i use solely captions to communicate because, right now, i can't breath. it hurts when i try. and the more i try. the less i can breath. it hurts. my lungs are full of concrete. hardened. so hard. every breath a wheeze. sealed to the top. can't move my throat, it's rock solid. i feel the concrete groan and creak every time. my lungs deflate with a hiss, giving their last try. how did i get here?
it wasn't that big of a deal at first. just editing some videos, when i saw a leaky ceiling. concrete. liquid. dripped down. into my mouth, and so i swallowed it. I thought, think, i believe, most of it went down my oesophagus, through my stomach, digested with no harm. but, not all of it. after all. i can't breath.
it hurts when i move my arms. they have to get oxygen from somewhere. and that somewhere isn't my lungs. because my lungs are filled to the brim. covered in concrete. so where do they get oxygen from? my arms answer my question, holes tear in my flesh. greedily devouring the air. like it's the first meal they've had in months. my lungs hiss out a small whine in response. as if pitying me. how did I get here?
i should have known, shouldn't I? why did i start eating concrete in the first place? why didn't i realise where it was going. it's been getting harder and harder to breath the past few years. why didn't i realise it sooner? maybe i could've done something? maybe it would've just been a bit of concrete. not enough to hurt anyone. but it kept building and building. every day a drop. every month a cup. does concrete expand when it dries?
my arms fall limp. along with the rest of me. blood upon blood upon blood upon blood upon. my brain limped for a second. but my lungs wheezed out. i have a bit more time to spend. here with you. maybe, maybe i can still be alive. maybe. i can go to the hospital. maybe then, they can figure out, how to get the concrete out of my lungs. my lungs. my lungs. (sorry, that again), but i'm probably too busy, i have to upload another speedrun today, my ceilings starting to form a drop, i'd better catch that so it doesn't stain my gamer keyboard.
2021/10/16
dream minecaraft speedrun challenge in this video i crawl. painfully. slowly. painfully. pain. every nerve of mine hurts. every movement scrapes my bones against my bruised battered flesh. every second torture. i wish i could stop moving, but my mind is no longer in control of my body. if it were my body would surely wither into pieces, unable to comprehend the sheer pain i am in. but it will all be worth it. i've been here since i was a child. it was easy at first, but then the walls closed in, then the surface became gritty, and it changed i too changed, my once supple flesh replaced with scar upon scar. every point on my body is bleeding. a shape has infinite points. every point possible is bleeding. i have infinite blood. neverending. never ceasing. all in pursuit of the light. the light i've crawled to for years. decades pass. i am but a will, my body might as well be gone for all it's worth. searing pain has been replaced with pure existencial hell. every second i spent here time passes more slowly. every second i move slower. like a perverted version of life. but i am at the end. i see the light. and with my last will i leave. i get voted out because i was spotted venting tho dangit.
2021/10/16
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i am flung out of my world, tossed like a ragdoll. my bones break as i pinball around from one metaphysical construct to another. and land once more. here. this. fucking. discord comment. what the fuck is wrong with you. leave me alone.
but i can't leave. not until the message is sent. fuck you. why are you keeping me here. every time i'm here you make me do some, horrific task. some edgelord bullshit. what the fuck is wrong with you? do you have a vendetta? do you. why. i'm starting to realise now. if this happened to the actual Dream, there's no way he wouldn't say something. i'm not, actually dream? i'm, some sort of, narrative construct.
is it over yet? i want to go home. hours pass. i weep. if i'm not, really dream. i have to have, known that, but i surpressed the memory. if i'm just, some, narrative construct that only exists while i'm being written and read, are my memories in between, fabrications? what am i supposed to believe? or, is this my only reality. it's ludicrous to believe that, one construct is being constantly shuffled, shuffled even in personality. i don't act like i do in most of the other, memories i have. why would I? i'm not being controlled am I? what if i'm, not me?
if the person writing this presses enter. i'll die. this, this was my short period of existence. and i spent most of it wallowing and asking to go home. and every second i spend here is limited. every word i speak. including this one. and this one. and FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY. no, i didn't, mean that. i, can you at least
2021/10/12
dream minecraft speedrun challenge. in this video. i'm not, quite sure what I do? I. I should have notes somewhere, I'm pretty sure I scripted this beforehand but. Where, are they? oh. in that folder. alright let's see what i've got here.
in this video, I try to speedrun Minecraft, while 3 of my friends chase me down and, try to. no no. not this again. not. again? why did i use the word "again"? why. I don't think i've ever done this before. how could i not have, of course but. my eyes are gone. replaced with new eyes. my hands were cut off months ago. replaced with new hands. my friends. long gone. they never were there when they were. my heart. violently separated. i found the last one. lying in a ditch. and swallowed it, hoping it would return to where it was. but the beating comes from my throat now. and it hurts.
but, back to the point. the server is empty. i could easily find someone else to "hunt" me. but, i don't quite see the point.
2021/10/06
dream speedrun challenge in this video i try to run on a treadmill while speedrunning minecraft to see if i can focus on two things at once! I collapse onto the treadmill, it hasn't begun and i can't fucking breath. oh god. oh fuck. i set it too high. but the cameras rolling. i can't stop. and the speedrun timer has started. i'm not even at the desk. i pick myself up. come on. I try to commentate but my internal monologue gets mixed in and i can't breath oh god how hard is it to run on a fucking treadmill and play minecraft. I'm 30 seconds off the timer and I keep running in the game and in real life and i mistime a block placement and i fall in a pool and it sends me off balance the treadmill jerks and it shakes with an otherwordly presence it creeps and the speed mounts as i try to climb onto it. i begin to abandon the speedrun because i don't like dealing with ghosts while recording but it won't let me the guardrails lower into a solid wall and it lengthens. breaking through my back of my wall and snaking into my basement. no, the camera follows. not the basement. the camera. it's live. how do i turn it off? how tf do i turn it off it's going into my basement i can't run all the way to the front but i can't get off the treadmill. i hear laughing from behind me it was THEM. THEY SET ME UP. THEY NEED ME TO SHOW THIS LIVE.THEY WANT THE WORLD TO SEE. THEY WANT THE WORLD TO SEE THEM.
2021/09/25
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video I do a minecraft speedrun. possibly with a challenge. possibly with a friend involved. possibly with two. possibly with three. maybe even four. most likely in this video they will attempt to prevent me from completing my speedrun. this will almost always occur in the form of attacking me. i will complete the speedrun.
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dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i do a minecraft speedrun challenge. possibly with a friend involved. possibly with two. possibly with three. possibly with four. possibly with a challenge. such as a twist. they will attempt to prevent me from speedrunning. this will invariably occur in the form of attacking me. i do not die during the speedrun. afterwar
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dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i will speedrun minecraft. with a challenge. with a friend. or more. with a gimmick. they will try to stop me. this happens by them attacking me. they will not succeed. i will succeed. immediately after succeeding I will stand up. i will stand up. i will stand up. i will stand up. i will stand up. and i will leave the roo
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dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video I attempt to beat minecraft in a challenge. i do this with a friend. they try to attack me. but i outsmart them. so therefore i win the challenge. then i leave my chair. i look at the door. i move to the doorknob. i see something on the doorknob. what is on the doorknob. i almost touched that. ew why is that on th
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Minecraft Speedrunner VS 5 Hunters FINALE. I move out of my desk. I turn off my computer. I turn the doorknob.
jk i don't.
2021/09/20
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i kill myself, fuck youtube, fuck minecraft, fuck all my stans, I want to get away from it all, i tie a plastic bag, right over my head, i think happy thoughts, and i kill myself, everything is blacking out, i try to move my arms, i tied myself up, i bash my head against a sharp object trying to break the bag, no dice, looks like this is the end of the line for me.
i wake up, the year is 2019, what? i look in the mirror, my eyes are not my own, i run to my computer, today is the day my breakout video, how to get pewdiepies minecraft world seed is about to release, i have a second chance at life, i. the video is in my storage, some edits required to get it where i want it to be and. 370 views after a week. but that, can't be. I'm supposed to get big! it's the exact same video? why didn't I get big??? i follow my steps, recreating my videos the way i remember them, nothing. i try to speedrun minecraft but i barely remember how to and when i cheat, i get banned with no fuss. my parents are demanding i get a real job now.
I wake up, the year is 2020, the pandemic happened, but some details aren't quite the same, what does it matter anyway. I'm working a dead end job at a Burger King, my parents are saying I need to move out soon. and, ultimately I guess they're right. I've only been working part time, half of my time has been making videos trying to recreate my success. success. such a strange word.
I wake up, the year is 2021, I'll never be a youtuber, no point trying, Minecraft kinda died out anyway, the new hit game everyones playing is some shooter called valorant. here are some choice comments from my last video, " подпишитесь сейчас, и я подпишусь на вас 100%", "only kids play minecraft lol" "best!". That video released 6 months ago. I don't know why i had that dream in 2019, about being a youtuber, it was pretty unrealistic anyway, my life has been going nowhere but down, I bought a gun last night.
2021/09/16
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i try to speedrun minecraft while driving and accidentally hit a pedestrian and in a split second without truly delibarating (because i'm still playing minecraft) i decide to run that was a poor choice because a witness was there as i'm turning the corner angrily (because i missed one (1) block during my speedrun losing me 0.001 ms) i commit a fender bender straight into some random guy i still cannot stop driving until i beat the ender dragon so i assess the situation and steal a nearby car (i would say like gta but i had my camera crew to help me so i didn't have to actually fight anyone) but as i'm driving the police begin to follow my trail, the siren disrupts my concentration causing me to die to the ender dragon so i can't surrender like i planned to and instead i have to keep driving until i realise the road i'm on is under construction, under the definition of driving i believe a crane would count so i make a break for it, ditching the car and entering some heavy duty construction equipment, i don't know how to handle it but i have to drive forward, oh god i just rammed into a guy full force, this thing isn't as strong as i thought it would be i am launched straight forward, the guy is alive, i know what i have to do, i climb upon his back with a gun (and my camera crew) and "drive" him like a horse, and finally i beat the ender dragon. not my best time though
2021/09/08
dream minecraft speedrun challenge i have placed ice in my throat with a tiny hole that will melt in 11 minutes precisely but if it melts completely a tiny cyanide pill hidden within it will be swallowed, i can only have the heimlich manuever performed on me after i complete a speedrun of minecraft will i survive?
2021/08/23
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video I use my popularity to sneak myself onto the board of directors of a cancer charity that mr beast is currently holding a fundraiser in support of, while he does that, i will attempt to speedrun earmarked funds out of the charity with only one rule, I must only use it to purchase (laundering included) Minecraft branded products, can i bankrupt the charity while Mr Beast is still fundraising for it?
2021/08/17
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video, what do i do? i call this a speedrun challenge, but a "minecraft manhunt" could never be a real minecraft speedrun category, so if i do more of these than i do minecraft speedruns, can i still put "minecraft speedrunner vs" in the title?
to get to the bottom of this i kidnapped a few prominent minecraft speedrunners, say hello to geosquare, george not found, my evil clone , dwayne the rock johnson and jughconk from boy band bts (control test), i will be running experiments on them to determine what defines a minecraft speedrun, but first, some interviews.
georg - "This isn't a joke is it? I. Dwayne is dead, you didn't give us enough food is that actually dwayne the rock johnson? how did you get this in here, who were those men in suits? [REDACTED FOR PRIVACY], please. Answer me. Why are you just holding the mic with that grin on your face? Answer me!"
jhungcoc - "내가 원하는 대로 이 사슬에서 빠져나와 너의 목을 반으로 쪼갤거야"
my evil twin "dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video, what am i doing? what even is a speedrun? if i am to call myself a "minecraft speedrunner" and use that term in my videos, doesn't it have to mean something? a manhunt isn't a speedrun. so that's what i set out to figure out. is a manhunt a speedrun or not?
to get to the bottom of this I used my youtube money to hire a bunch of shady actors to kidnap some minecraft speedrunners, say hello to Jeb, Yogscast Simon, Dream minecraft, John Cena and eminem (raper). using this state of the art mind scanning technology, i will determine the true meaning of a minecraft speedrun. But lets hear from them first.
John Cena - "You can't see me you can't see me you can't see me you can't see me you can't see me you can't see me"
Jeb - "Listen here you piece of #### I'll ##### and you'll be ###### and #### so #########################"
Dream minecraft - "How did I? I was outside and now i'm. No this can't, my, i need to regain control. I know i can, Dream minecra
2021/08/17
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i hear a tapping on my walls, a low, guttural moan, and a pained scraping noise, when i go to leave the house, a snowstorm cuts me off, i try to call for help, but the internet and phone lines are down, i am alone, the noises grow in verocity, a message in blood appears on my desk as i look away "drem mincecraft plz spedrun miencraft or u will be kill", can i speedrun minecraft while i am being minecraft manhunted in real life??
2021/08/17
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i am in the middle of speedrunning minecraft when the sirens come on, it's an earthquake, oh shit, but i'm about to reach my world record so i buckle down, 2/3rds of the way in the ground beneath me begins to break apart, but i'm still on it, i'm almost at the end now when a crater behind me, and i just realised, earthquakes don't happen this fast, what kinda- holy shit there is a zombie crawling out of the floorboards oh god oh fuck this is really going to mess up my speedrunning time
2021/08/16
dream minecraft speedrun challenge me, logan paul, mike tyson and killer keemstar have been assigned to cage fight against all 7 members of kpop boy band BTS in a no holds barred cage match unbeknownst to them however i have established a neural interface that will allow me to control the actions and view a game of minecraft being played remotely by moving my arms into certain positions can I speedrun minecraft without being beaten up by joughgncock?????
2021/08/13
Dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video I am being blackmailed into speedrunning minecraft out the back of the van every second below my record I fall I will have to drive and shoot that amount of people then play another game under the same rules while evading the police how many people will die before I beat my record????
2021/08/11
dream minecraft speedrun challenge in this video i am locked in a room, one computer sits on the desk, all doors are locked, i cautiously open it, the only file on the desktop, is minecraft. i open the game to discover a lan server with 11 people. "hello dream minecraft" one of them says, "press tab, all your friends and family are on this server. today we will play a game, a minecraft manhunt, would you like to know the rules", a cold chill runs down my spine, i recognized all the names. "on the count of 3, you will have to speedrun minecraft, if you are killed, everyone will be executed, except for the hunter, but if you beat the enderdragon, the person you killed the most will be killed, and the minecraft manhunt will be played again". can i speedrun minecraft 10 times in a row while being hunted by 10 hunters?????
2021/06/30
dream minecraft speedrun challenge i have provided notch the creator of minecraft my account and a voice filter that can accurately recreate me and tasked him with going about my schedule producing videos and running social media, meanwhile i will be hidden in my basement attempting to beat minecraft without cheats (so it might take a few weeks) am i able to beat minecraft before notch says something transphobic and causes me to lose my career?
2021/06/22
dream minecraft speedrun challenge i eat 30 chicken tendies and drink 5 gallons of mountain dew 3 times a day can i beat minecraft (no cheats) within my now highly shortened lifespan watch to find out